1. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was indicted Thursday on assault charges stemming from a February jailhouse fight with another inmate. But, on the plus side, the next indictment is free.
2. According to a new study, doctors say Viagra is being overprescribed. And here I didn’t even know Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends were doctors.
3. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has checked himself into rehab after another video of him smoking crack has surfaced. Apparently Ford hasn’t learned his lesson yet, always check for cameras before you smoke crack.
4. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has checked himself into rehab after another video of him smoking crack has surfaced. “How stupid do you have to be to get secretly recorded smoking crack?” said Donald Sterling.
5. Los Angeles has banned the use of bullhorns, pitchforks and other goads that circus trainers use to control elephants. Leaving directors at a loss on how to teach Kirstie Alley to hit her mark.
6. A Texas veterinarian has been charged with cruelty to animals after several dogs that had been brought to his clinic to be euthanized were kept alive for blood transfusions. “Wait, keeping them alive is illegal, too?” said Michael Vick.
7. The U.S. Commerce Department found no evidence to support allegations that the monthly unemployment rate was manipulated before the 2012 presidential election. Said the Commerce Department, “We arrived at this conclusion after realizing we didn’t want to contribute to that statistic personally.”
8. A Japanese restaurant is allowing customers to dine with stuffed animals to ease the awkwardness of eating alone. Said one patron, “I don’t need to eat with stuffed animals, I have plenty of cats.”
9. New York City police are cracking down on break-dancing subway performers as part of a quality of life campaign on behalf of the city’s 5.5 million daily commuters. I think I speak for all New Yorkers when I say, if you want to improve the quality of our lives policemen, maybe focus less on bullshity crimes like break-dancing. You know there’s a homeless guy who masturbates on the 6 train every day, right?
10. Canada has decided to install Wi-Fi at twenty picturesque and remote locations in some of its national parks. So if you’re on Grindr in Canada looking for a “bear,” be careful.
11. The White House will lay out ideas this week for protecting U.S. consumers’ privacy in an era in which computers provide a constant stream of data on individuals. Which is kinda like a burglar robbing you and then suggesting ways to make your home safer.
12. Nissan is reportedly testing a car that can clean itself. “Big deal, I’ve had that for years,” said singer Billy Joel, “That’s what neighbor’s pools are for.”
13. A Kansas man on trial for first degree murder wants to remove a tattoo from across his neck that reads “murderer” because he’s worried that it will prejudice the jury. Which, coincidentally, is the same reason Steve Jobs always wore those black turtlenecks.
14. It’s been reported that “the View” may replace the soon-to-be-retired Barbara Walters with its first ever male co-host. Most don’t see the male hiring lasting too long, not because he’ll be fired, but because it’s Bruce Jenner and the transformation is almost complete.
15. A Portland beekeeper has filmed herself, topless, covered in bees to teach people about nature. Making it the most confusing video to show your kids to teach them about the birds and the bees.
